西门吹雪与叶孤城
搞笑5人剧本《西门吹雪与叶孤城》
演员表：
西门吹雪
叶孤城
花满楼
king
旁白
道具：牛奶两袋，匕首一把，戒子一枚，纸屑若干。
第一幕：决战紫禁城之颠（Battle at the T op of the Forbidden City ）
旁白：A quiet village is covered with white snow .
Birds are dancing in the cold .
A man is walking along the street ,step by step .
Wind is coming in silence.
Another mysterious man approaches .
Y与X相遇．
X：Oh ,I am sorry to knock you !
Y:Ha ha, Never mind bay bay.
X:Excuse me，who are you on earth? Could you tell me your name?
Y:ha ha ,I won’t change my name! No matter what happens. I’m the most famous——Y e Gu Cheng. Who are you?
X:I am ximenchuixue.
Y惊讶:Ar, ximenchuixue?
X:Y es,what is wrong?
Y:I heard that you are the best in Martial Arts?
X:Great, you know me !
Y抱腿：Please, please…… Don’t kill me! Let me you go!
X:No, I must kill you !
Y:I don't want to be killed.There are a eighty-year-old mother and a three-year old son to be looked after by me!
X:No way! Because we are fighting now!you know?
Y突然站起冷冷的说：Don't force me!
X:Pardon!
(Y拿出一袋牛奶)
X抢过牛奶:milk, very good! I like it. How do you know that?
Y:Please drink it!
X喝完牛奶:Thanks, ha,ha
Y:Do you still want to kill me?
X:Sure, must! Milk is milk.
Y(恼怒+冷酷):Very good! V ery good! I hope you will not forget what you said!?
X:I’m sure I won’t!
Y:I must give you a lesson ! If I don't beat your this time, you will never behave properly!3-2-1-0!
X捂着肚子，蹲下：Oach,Oach !
Y大笑：HaHa……
X可怜状: help! help! Where is the washroom?
Y:What ?
X:Toilet?
Y:What ?
X:The ―WC‖?
Y:Oh,I see ,go along this street and turn right when you see a crossing road!
X:Thanks,bye bye.
Y掏出纸屑吹:This is pure snow!
H:Stop!Protecting the environment is a basic obligation!
Y:Who are you?
H:Hua—man—lou! Have you seen Ximenchuixue?
Y:Yes, he was beaten by me and is in―WC‖ now,ha……
H惊讶:Now you are the best in the world!
Y:You are right!
H:Teriffic!you are the one my king looking for! Do you want to join in us?
Y:Yes,It’s very good.
H:Ok, follow me, Let’s go to see my king!
Y:Ok,Let’s go!
第二幕：无间道
H:My dearest ! Let me introduce Y egucheng to you! （指Y）this is Y egucheng. K:Sit down please, Y egucheng.
H走到Y前，《婚礼进行曲》起，H神甫状:Yegucheng! Do you want to follow my king no matter what happens such as cold headache,sair and aids?
Y: Y es,I do.
K: Huamanlou, come . Put the ring on his finger!（音乐停）
X唱着上:Only you……(看到戒子) this ring should be mine!
K:But who are you? Why should it belong you?
Y急切: king! dearking!I must go now,my brother is looking for me!huoxi(维语再见) K:huoxi? What does that mean? It is not English, isn’t it ?
Y:How clever……
X冷酷:yegucheng! Come here!I want to tell you something!
Y抱X的腿:old brother ! Forgive me!
X:Forgive me? Why?
Y: Once there was a chance before me,I lost it. If the god give me another chance, I will tell you ―I love you‖,If there must be a limited period,I hope it is a thousand year! X:Y ou shall cheat me! All you did are wrong!how can you tell me the lady’s―WC‖! Y:I like going lady’s WC .I……I……I think that you like what I like.(Ｙ又拿出一袋牛奶)
X: m-i-l-k?haha, ayixidailu!(我爱你的意思)
K: ayixidailu?What’s the meaning? Why I also can’t understand you?
X:Y ou are stupid! It means―I love you‖.
K:Don’t say th at―you love me‖. I will kill you for you saying dirty word to me!
X:What? (侧耳装着听不到) Y ou—kill—-me?come on, come on…(Ｘ上去抓住K) K:Fuckyou. I must kill you!
X:How can you kill me? haha……
Y:Let me have a try! 3-2-1-0(X捂着肚子，蹲下)
K: thank you very much, you save me. Now, I will give you the ticket for America to have a vacation.
Y:That’s good. But there is one more thing. Can you give me a MM ?I want to go to America with her.
K:Of course.Y ou are the one who has the similar taste with me! Hahaha……
Y:Hahaha—–
H:Where’s somewhere?
K:What?
Y:Do you have the same hobby in going to lady’s―WC‖?
X:Y es,I……I…… do.
H顶着摇头：X,no, no，you can’t go to Lady’s ―WC‖. That is not the place where you can go into ! Because you are X ! Y ou are the best man in Chinese kongfu!
X: What if I’m the best in the word? !why I try my best to live but I’m still so miserable ? When can I get my freedom? Must be the dead day ? !
K: you are right. One will not be clever until the day he die. In that case ,why will you die in such a bad sorrow way !go into the Lady’s WC , then die , comfortablly ! Go ahead !
H: you , stupid , bad behavior ! Go away !
K; why ? Why do you help him ! Who actually are you ?
H: my real name is LuXiaofeng——the wife of X .I’m a spy.
K惊讶: !you—you—Y ou are LuXiaofeng ? X’wife ?
Y: I have already recognized you . A tricker ! Do you know, you are the first person who cheated me ! Because of you ,I sweare never to believe anyone else ,including myself .you have destroyed my looking for you for many years ,just for today ! (轻声说)Ｘwill die ,go and see him ,please .
H扑倒在Ｘ的身边：Ｘ,do’t die ,you should be alive ,there are much hope in the future and tomorrow is a good beginning !
K:what a moving story !I was impressed !
Y:Life is a progress ,but it is depressed that it can not resume !
H: Life is a progress ,and it is delight that it needn’t resume !
(H忽然将一把匕首插进Y的心脏，Ｋ吓跑.音乐《再见，警察》起)
Y痛苦状:don’t leave me here , you know I love you and I have nothing except you now ,please not abandon me ! Realize that I’m wrong .help me,I intend to be back ,help me ,I key you ,beg you——help me . I’ll never do that again !(Y死，音乐停)
（X咳，H扑到身边，电影《我的父亲母亲》原声音乐起）
H: Xue , oh , no ,you can’t die ,we will go home together .
X:Go home ! ?
H:Tomorrow is another day !Even you have the last second to live,you should be alive ,not only for me , but for our love !
X:Do you want me live a life in such a sorrow way ? Ok , ok , I promise I will be alive for you .But !you know, I have little time left ,but you have ,promise me that you will be happy everyday !Y ou must do me this hono r… promise me you will survive… that you will never give up… No matter what happens… no matter how hopeless… promise me now ,and never let go of that promise.
H: I promise .
X:Never let go .
H:I promise . I will never let go ,
X:Y ou'll never let go...(X死)
H:Be alive!yeah , bealive ! Be alive without ahendance !life can be chance like time can go to back . There is beautiful snow but in sping , so life can come from the beginning ! （H自刎，艰难的爬到X身边死.音乐停。）