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黄西在美国白宫晚宴上的脱口秀

黄西在美国记者年会晚宴上的表演（中英文解读）

Joe Wong at RTCA Dinner 2010 With Chinese Commentary

黄西是一名从中国大陆到美国的留学生，除了他专业的研究工作外，他还是最近美国新兴的一名脱口秀艺人。2009年，他因参加美国深夜节目收视率冠军的“大卫赖特曼秀”一炮而红。他独特的幽默方式在youtube上广受欢迎。本文是他在美国"电台电视记者协会"白宫年会上的表演片段。

Good evening, everyone. My name is Joe Wong. But to most people, I am known as "Who?" [Laughter] "Hu" is actually my mother's maiden name, [Laughter] and the answer to my credit card security question. [Laughter]

各位晚上好，我是Joe Wong（黄西）。但是对很多人来说，听到我的名字，会问“谁”?（看他的滑稽表情，观众笑），Who（同音“Hu”）恰恰是我妈的娘家姓（观众笑），也是我信用卡安全问题的答案。（和很多网站注册一样，美国的信用卡也会设置安全问题，比如“你妈妈姓什么”，“你家小狗叫什么”）

But joking aside, I just want to reassure everybody that I am invited here tonight. [Laughter]

但是玩笑归玩笑，我想让大家放心我今晚的确是受到邀请来的。（观众笑，这里是隐指Salah夫妇闯入白宫欢迎晚宴的新闻，大家可以搜索Michaele and Tareq Salahi）

I grew up in China. Who wouldn't? [Laughter]

我在中国长大。谁不是呢？（观众笑，这是用自己的自大讽刺美国人的自大）

As my childhood memories are totally ruined by my childhood. [Laughter] When I was in elementary school, as part of the curriculum, I have to worked at a rice paddy, right next to a quarry where they use explosives to break rocks. And that is where I learned that light travels faster than sound, [Laughter] which is almost as slow as a flying rock. [Laughter]

而我童年的所有记忆都被我的童年给毁了。（观众笑，思路怪异）读小学的时候，作为课程的一部分，我要去稻田里劳动，稻田的旁边是一个采石场，他们用炸药炸石头。也就是在那里，我知道了光的传播速度要比声音快（观众笑），而声音的速度就和石头飞的速度差不多慢。（观众笑）

My dad was a grumpy guy, but occasionally he would tried to cheer me up with jokes. But he doesn't do it right. When I was seven, one day he said to me, "Hi, son, why is tofu better than centralized socialist economy?" [Laughter] So, five minutes later, I said, "Why?" [Laughter] He said, "Because I said so!" [Laughter]

我爸爸是个脾气很怪的人，但偶尔他也想用笑话来逗我玩儿。可是他又做不好。我七岁的时候，有一天他问我，“嘿，儿子，你说为什么豆腐比社会主义计划经济要好？”（观众笑，风马牛不相及）我想了五分钟，然后问他“为什么呢？”（观众笑），他说“因为我说好就是好！”（观众笑，笑点在于：豆腐，计划经济以及极端的父权。豆腐和经济放在一起本来就没有可比性，就好像这种“我说了算”的父权也根本不可理喻，让人又好气又好笑）

I came to the United States when I was 24, to study at Rice University in Texas. [Applause] That wasn't a joke, [Laughter] until now. [Laughter]

我24岁的时候来到美国，在Texas的Rice University求学。（观众鼓掌。）这不是个笑话（观众笑），不过现在是了。（观众笑）

And I was driving that a used car with a lot of bumper stickers that are impossible to peel off. And one of them said, "If you don't speak English, go home!" [Laughter] And I didn't notice it for two years. [Laughter]

我当时开了辆二手车，保险杠上贴了好多贴纸（就类似我们的“熊出没注意”那种），贴的很牢，就根本不可能撕下来。其中一张写着“如果你不说英文，就滚回家去”。（观众笑，这句话有歧视外来移民的意味）而我两年后才看到它。（观众笑）

And like many other immigrants, we wanted our son to become the president of this country. And we try to make him bilingual, you know, Chinese at home and English in the public. Which is really a tough to do, because many times I had to say to him in public, "Hi, listen, if you don't speak English, go home!" [Laughter]

和很多其他的移民一样，我们都希望自己的儿子能成为这个国家的总统。于是我们努力让他们说两种语言，在家说中文，在外说英文。但操作起来其实挺困难，很多时候我不得不在公共场合对他说：“嘿，听着，如果你不说英文，就滚回家去。”（观众笑，这里说明了该句子是一种教训儿子的口气）

And he was said to me, "Hi, Dad, Why do I have to learn two languages?" I said, "Son, once you become the president of the Unite States, you will have to sign legislative bills in English, and talk to debt collectors in Chinese!" [Laughter][Applause]

然后他问我：“爸爸，为什么我要学两个语言呢？”我就跟他说：“儿子，一旦有一天你成了美国总统，你就必须要用英文来签署法案，还要用中文跟讨债的对话。”（观众狂笑，并鼓掌；中国当前是美国的最大债主。）

When I graduated from Rice, I decided to stay in the Unite States, because in China I can't do the thing I do best here, being ethnic. [Laughter]

从Rice毕业后，我决定留在美国。因为在中国，我不可能有在这里干的最好的角色——一个少数民族。

And in order for me to become a US citizen, I had to take those American history lessons, where they ask questions like: Who's Benjamin Franklin? We were like, "Ahh.., the reason our convenient store gets robbed?" [Laughter]

我为了成为一名美国公民，必须要上美国历史课，会被问到诸如“是谁Benjamin Franklin？”我就想：“呃，莫非就是我们便利店遭到抢劫的原因？”（观众大笑，百元美钞上印着Benjamin Franklin的头像。）

What's the second Amendment? We were like, "Ahh.., the reason our convenient store gets robbed?" [Laughter][Applause]

“什么是第二修正案？”我就想：“呃，莫非就是我们便利店遭到抢劫的原因？”（观众狂笑，第二修正案保障了人民的持枪权利）

What is Roe vs Wade? We were like, "Ahh& , two ways of coming to the Unite States?" [Laughter][Applause]

“Roe vs. Wade是什么？”“呃！两种来美国的途径？”（Roe vs.Wade是美最高法院关于堕胎的经典案例。他在这里则是说那些偷渡到美国的人，要不就是通过row a boat（划船，和人名Roe同音）,要不就是靠游到河对岸（wade是跋涉的意思））

Later on, I read so much about American history that I started to harbor white guilt. [Laughter]

后来我读了很多的美国历史，以至于我都开始充满了白人罪恶感。（white guilt是指白人因为奴役黑人的历史而产生的负罪感。）

And in America, they say that all men are created equal, but after birth, it kind of depends on their parents' income for early education and healthcare. [Applause]

在美国，大家都说人人生而平等。但是出生后，或多或少要取决于父母收入，才能提供你的早期教育和医疗保障。（观众认同的笑）

I read in the Men's Health magazine that president Obama every week has two cardio days and

4 weight lifting days. You see, I don't have to exercise because I have health insurance. [Laughter]

我在男人健康杂志里看到，奥巴马总统每周有两次有氧锻炼，四次举重锻炼。你们看，我根本不需要锻炼，因为我有健康保险。（这里说医保体系给人慵懒意识）

I live in Massachusetts now, where we had universal healthcare then we elected Scott Brown. [Laughter] Talk about mixed messages! [Laughter] I think there was a movie about him. It's called "Kill Bill" [Laughter]

我现在住在麻省，我们有全面的医疗保险。然后我们选了Scott Brown当州长。哦，有歧义。我想有一部电影是关于他的，那就是《杀死比尔》（Kill Bill）。（bill在英文里有议案的意思，这里讽刺这名州长极力反对Obama的医保改革方案。）

I'm honored to eh.. meet vice president Joe Biden here tonight. em, I actually read autobiography of you, and today I see you. I think the book is much better. [Laughter][Applause] They should have cast Brad Pitt, you know, or even Angelina Jolie. [Laughter]

我很荣幸今晚能见到副总统Joe Biden。事实上，我曾经读过你的自传。今天见到你了，我觉得书（比本人）要好的多（然后镜头就给了副总统，副总统笑的哈开心），他们应该请布拉德·皮特来演，或者是安吉丽娜·茱莉（观众大笑）。

So, I, to be honest, was really honored to be here tonight, and I have prepared for months eh, for tonight show, and I showed the White House my jokes about President Obama, and that is why he decided not to come. [Laughter] And he decide to talk about immigration reforms. [Laughter] Take that Stephen Colbert! [Laughter]

坦率的说，我真的非常荣幸今天能应邀来到这里。为了今晚的节目我也准备了好几个月了。我还把关于奥巴马总统的笑话给白宫看，于是奥巴马总统就决定不出席今天的晚会了。他还决定要讨论移民政策改革了。Stephen Colbert, 给他记上。（Steve是专攻政治人物的政治评论家、主持人，总统总是拿他没办法）

And President Obama has always been accused of being too soft, but he was conducting two wars, and they still gave him the Nobel Peace Prize. and he accepted it. [Laughter] You can't be more badass than that. [Laughter][Applause] Well, actually, I'm thinking, the only way you can more badass than that, is if you take the Nobel Peace Prize money and give it to the military. [Laughter]

奥巴马总统经常被指责为过于软弱。但是他正指挥着两场战争，并且他们还是授予他诺贝尔和平奖。而他也竟然接受了（观众大笑）。怎么可能有比这更操蛋的事情（观众大笑）。嗯，其实，我想，唯一可能比这个更操蛋的，就是你接受了诺贝尔和平奖的奖金，然后把它们送给军队。

We have many distinguished journalists here tonight, whom I consider as my peers. [Laughter] Because I used to write for the campus newspaper. [Laughter] I think journalism is the last refuge for puns. [Laughter] Only on a newspaper can you see just like, "I was born in the year of the horse, and that's why I'm a neigh-sayer(nay-sayer)." [Laughter] My point exactly. [Laughter]

我们这里坐着很多杰出的新闻记者，我把你们看作是我的同行（也有贵族的意思，观众笑）。因为我曾经也给学校的报纸写过文章。我觉得新闻业是双关语最后的阵地了。因为只有在报纸上你才能看到类似于“我是属马的，所以你知道为什么我总是像马一样叫（唱反调）。”（美国人形容马叫的象声词是neigh，发音和nay一样，nay-sayer是总要唱反调的人）我表达的很准确。（观众笑）

And tonight is my first time on C-SPAN, which is a channel I obvious always watch when I couldn't stand the sensationalism and demagoguery of PBS and QVC. [Laughter] If I can't still fall asleep after watching C-SPAN, [Laughter] there are C-SPAN2 and C-SPAN3. [Laughter][Applause] Thank you very much! [Laughter][Applause]

今晚是我第一次出现在C-span频道，通常当我无法忍受PBS和QVC的鼓吹与煽动时我就会看这个频道（PBS的节目以主观著称，QVC则是购物频道）。如果我看了C-span还是睡不着，那还有C-span 2套和3套（C-span频道是国会辩论转播频道）。非常感谢！

So, I became a US citizen in 2008, eh, which I am really happy about.[Applause] oh, Thank you very much! eh. [Applause] America is number one! [Laughter] That's true! cause we won the World Series every year! [Laughter]

2008年，我正式成为了美国公民，为此我感到很高兴。（下面观众鼓掌）谢谢。美国是最牛的。这是真的，因为我们每年会赢世界职业棒球大赛（只有美国、加拿大的球队参加。）

After becoming a US citizen, and I immediately registered to vote for Obama and Biden. You are welcome. [Laughter] You had me at "Guess we can". [Laughter] That was their slogan. [Laughter]

成为美国公民之后，我立刻就登记了大选，并投给了奥巴马和拜登。（他回头看着拜登，对拜登说）不用谢。你们的口号“猜想我们可以”征服了我。（观众笑）这是他们的口号。（观众大笑，此处故意将“Yes We Can”混淆成了“Guess We Can”。）

So, after getting Obama-Biden elected, I felt this power trip. [Laughter] and I started to think maybe I should run for president myself.

在奥巴马和拜登当选后，我感受到了权力的魅力。（观众笑）于是我就开始想，或许我也应该去竞选总统。

Well, I have to take a step back and explain a little bit. Because I had always been a morose and pessimistic guy. I feel that life is a kind of like pee into the snow in a dark winter night. You probably made a difference, but it's really hard to tell. [Laughter]

好吧，我多解释一下。我其实一直是一个忧郁并且悲观的人。我觉得生活就像是在漆黑的冬夜里往雪地上撒尿。你可能确实做得不一样，但你真的很难说出来。（观众大笑）

But now we have a president who is half black half white. That just gives me a lot of hope, because I am half not black half not white. [Laughter] Two negatives make a positive. [Laughter]

但是现在我们有了一位半黑半白的总统。这给了我很大的希望。因为我一半不黑一半也不白。双重否定更加肯定。（观众大笑，Obama母亲是白人，父亲是黑人移民）

You may be saying, hi, what would be your campaign slogan? You see, I spent 10 years in the past decade. [Laughter] Oh, you too? ok. [Laughter] S o, I understand that American people are suffering. So, my campaign slogan will be, "Who cares?" (Hu Cares) [Laughter]

你或许会问：“嘿，那你的竞选口号是什么？”你看，过去的90年代里我度过了10年。什么，你也是？好吧。所以我很理解美国人所经历的痛苦。所以，我的竞选口号将会是“Hu Cares”（此处又是Who-Hu 的谐音，Hu Cares：“胡关心你”Who Cares：“谁在乎你”。）

If elected, I will make same sex marriage not only legal, but required! [Laughter]

如果我当选，我不但会让同性恋结婚合法，还会让它必须。（观众笑）

That will give me the youth vote. [Laughter] You see I'm married now, but I used to be really scared about marriage. I was like, "Wow! 50% of all marriages end up lasting forever!" [Laughter]

这会帮助我赢得年轻人的选票。你看我已经结婚了。但我过去对婚姻是非常恐惧的。我想：“哇，50％的婚姻结局是大家要在一起一辈子。”

And I will eliminate unemployment in this country by reducing the productivity of the American workforce. [Laughter] So, two people will have to do the work of one, just like the president and the vice president, [Laughter] or the Olson twins. [Laughter]

我也会通过降低美国工人的生产率来消灭这个国家的失业。所以必须让两个人做一个人能做的事，就好像总统与副总统，又或者是Olsen姐妹（她们是双胞胎，一起演真人秀，一起设计服装）。

And despite heart diseases and cancer, most Americans die of natural causes. So if elected, I will find a cure for natural causes. [Laughter] You seem to like that one. [Laughter] But you won't be covered by health insurance, you know. [Laughter] because of pre-existing conditions. [Laughter]

除去心脏病和癌症的因素，大多数美国人是自然死亡的。所以如果我当选，我会找出一种治愈自然死亡的疗法。你们看上去很喜欢这个。但是你们将不可能享受医疗保险，因为先前条款。（观众大笑）

And I have a quick solution for global warming. I will switch from Fahrenheit to Celsius. [Laughter] It was 100 degrees, now it's 40! [Laughter] You are very welcome! [Laughter]

我还有解决全球变暖的特效措施。如果我当选了，我就把华氏改成摄氏。这样以前的100度就会瞬间变成40度。（观众大笑）

And I'm great with foreign policy because I am from China and I can see Russia from my backyard. [Laughter]

我也很擅长外交政策，因为我来自中国。我从我家后院就看得到俄罗斯（观众狂笑，这里也隐指Sarah Palin曾经说的“我从我家门廊就看得到俄罗斯”）。

I believe that, you know, unilateralism is too expensive, and open dialog is too slow. So if elected, I will go with text messaging. [Laughter] I'll text our allies just to say "hi", [Laughter] and text our enemies when they are driving. [Laughter] "OMG you are building a nuclear weapon? [Laughter] but you're doing it wrong, LOL!" [Laughter][Applause]

我认为，单边主义代价太高，公开对话又效率太低。如果我当选，我会选择“发短信”。我会发给我的盟友，仅仅打着招呼。我会在敌人开车的时侯给他们发短信。“天呐！听说你在造核武器？但是你们的做法是不对的！哈哈哈哈（观众狂笑，并鼓掌。OMG和LOL都是短信流行用语, OMG是Oh My God, LOL 是Laugh Out Loud）。

I just want to thank Radio-TV Correspondents ** for have me here tonight, And this is the first time I wish my son knew what I was doing. Thank you so much and have a very good night. Thank ** guy. [Applause]

黄西，吉林人，1994年赴美留

学，获得生化博士学位，在基

因模型公司工作，获得过抑制

癌症基因的专利。在平静得有

点乏味的日常生活中，黄西迷

上了单口相声。

2002年冬天，32岁的黄西

在波士顿一个叫汉纳的体育酒

吧第一次表演单口相声，人们

一边喝酒，一边看电视，有人

打桌球，有人打保龄球。黄西

就在这样嘈杂的环境里讲了五

分钟，底下几乎没人笑。一个

生活在波士顿的相声演员上来

对黄西说：你讲得挺有意思，但是我们听不明白你说什么。

黄西那天晚上讲的笑话里，只有一个后来还能用上：我决定留在美国，是因为在中国我不能做我擅长的事——散发异域风情。这个笑话成为黄西的保留节目，在美国广播电视记者年会上表演的脱口秀里也用上了。

在此后的八年时间里，黄西不断试镜、参加各种比赛，抓住一切演出的机会。一开始，即使是赢得一张20美元餐券这样的奖励，也会让黄西兴奋不已。有时候顶风冒雪驱车几小时去外地表演，却分文未得。

有一年黄西生日，黄西的太太向黄西在美国所有的同学发出邀请，请他们到黄西表演相声的餐厅为他庆生，结果只来了一对夫妇。大部分在波士顿的中国人觉得如果去单口相声俱乐部，听不懂笑话会感到尴尬。

相声事业上的不顺利，加上孩子出生不久，黄西当时几乎准备放弃相声表演，回过头去继续搞科研。但是黄西想到：我现在半途而废，将来怎么跟我儿子解释？还是干下去吧！

黄西的很多中国同学当时已经在美国的多所著名大学当上了教授，他暗自思肘：美国不需要再多一个华人教授，而在公共媒体上，很少能看到亚洲人的面孔，中国人应该试着在其他领域有所突破。黄西的动力是通过单口相声讲述移民的故事，第一代移民或者由于缺乏语言技能，或者工作太过繁忙，移民的故事总是被第二代或第三代移民讲述，而黄西就是要破一破这个传统。

黄西的笑话大多是美国人日常生活中普遍性的话题，家庭、教育、医疗等等。对自己的表演风格比较自信以后，才开始加入只有自己经历过而美国人没有经历过的内容。开始时黄西还在担心美国人小时候没有经历过那些事情，他们是否会感兴趣，后来发现只要内容写得好，风格一致的话，大家一样会接受。“美国人一看到我站在台上就想笑，有人曾说就像看到火车撞了。我是那种别人一看就觉得没信心的人，总会让人觉得这个人会把事情搞砸。”

《大卫·莱特曼秀》的星探艾迪·布里尔从2005年就开始关注黄西，对黄西的表演赞誉有加：“你很有希望”，并在公开场合称赞黄西是波士顿最好的喜剧演员。但是，黄西知道《大卫·莱特曼秀》是喜剧界的奥斯卡，每年只有两三个新人有机会上《大卫·莱特曼秀》，多少喜剧演员搞了一辈子单口相声，却从来没有得到上《大卫·莱特曼秀》的机会。

事实证明，凯文·诺克斯的预言无比正确，苦尽甘来的黄西终于被《大卫·莱特曼秀》选中，成为在该节目中表演单口相声的亚洲第一人。2009年4月17日，黄西登上了《大卫·莱特曼秀》。在录制节目现场，黄西注意到莱特曼刻意把剧场的温度控制在13摄氏度左右，因为在这样的温度下人们比较爱笑。黄西选了MIA乐队的《纸飞机》作为登场音乐，这是一首移民题材的歌曲。

“我是一个爱尔兰人……”黄西一开口就引来了全场的笑声，木讷的表情、浓重的口音和不断抖出的精彩包袱形成鲜明的对比，笑声和掌声贯穿了六分钟的表演。

“我的笑话是要反复讲的，讲到多少遍以后，才能证明这是不是真正的笑话。在《大卫·莱特曼秀》里，你的第一个笑话必须让别人笑，或者是你想第二句、第三句必须让别人笑，但是你如果讲了很长时间没有人笑，你的包袱必须特别大才行。”

在《莱特曼秀》表演大获成功之后，各大媒体纷纷报道。美国的一家中文报纸形容黄西“其貌不扬”，黄西在国内的父亲读了以后，对他说：“别担心，儿子，很多成功的人都长得很丑。”

2010年3月，黄西应邀在美国广播电视记者年会表演脱口秀，他面对的是最挑剔、最难对付的一群人：副总统、国会议员、最高法院的法官、记者。但经过多年历练的黄西有备而来，他准备了好几个月，“在年会的东西是我最好的段子，我花了很多的时间，把对美国历史、宪法的评价和困惑都放在里面了。”尽管奥巴马临时缺席，黄西在表演时还是调侃了奥巴马和在场的副总统拜登，笑称拜登不如自传里的形象好。

15分钟的表演光彩照人，妙语迭出的双关语和富有文化内涵的段子让听众捧腹大笑：儿子有时候问我，“为什么我要学习两种语言？”我告诉他：“儿子，当你成为美国总统的时候，你需要用英文来签署法律文件，用中文和你的债权人沟通。”（暗指中国是美国最大的债券国。）

演出结束以后，副总统拜登和黄西聊天时，也开起了他的玩笑：“你将来成了大名人以后，如果你的佣人告诉你乔·拜登在门口等着你呢，请千万不要问：‘Who？’”黄西后来再没有和副总统打过交道：“他搞他的政治，我说我的单口相声。”

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―Anybody here from Minnesota? Congratulations, you have a brand new senator, our old friend, Al Franken. Al is an interesting guy. Went from being a comedian to politician. George Bush — the other way around.‖ – David Letterman 有来自明尼苏达的吗？恭喜，你们有了个新的参议员，我们的老朋友Al Franken，他可是个特搞笑的人，完成了从搞笑家到政治家的转变，布什，恰恰相反。 ―President Obama giving a lot of very important speeches. He gave a speech about healthcare tonight, and yesterday he gave a pep talk to students. He told them that in order to succeed they need to work hard and study hard. Then today, former President George W. Bush presented the rebuttal.‖ –Conan O‘Brien 奥巴马做了很多重要演讲，今晚他讲了医保问题，昨天他给了学生一个演讲，说要想成功就得努力学习努力工作，今天，布什站出来，用自己给了个反例。 The University of Chicago, where President Obama once taught law, they want to house the Barack Obama presidential library. The library will be just like President George W. Bush‘s library, except it will have books.

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1. Know your audience It would have been easy for Obama to fall into the trap of talking to the 200,000 people before him in Grant Park. He didn’t. He spoke to Americans in their living rooms, he spoke to those who voted for McCain, he spoke to people watching him across the world – leaders and the poorest of the poor. He knew who his audience was. “And to all those watching tonight from beyond our shores, from parliaments and palaces, to those who are huddled around radios in the forgotten corners of the world, our stories are singular, but our destiny is shared, and a new dawn of American leadership is at hand.” 2. Envelop your point in a story The long history of the campaign for civil rights in America made Obama’s election possible. Obama enveloped this point with the story of Anne Dixon Cooper, a 106 year old woman who was born the daughter of slaves, and has lived through the milestons of the civil rights movement. “She was born just a generation past slavery; a time when there were no cars on the road or planes in the sky; when someone like her couldn’t vote for two reasons — because she was a woman and because of the color of her skin.” That’s far more emotionally engaging than giving us a history lesson. 1、了解观众在格兰特公园面对着20万观众演讲，奥巴马很容易踩到地雷。可是他没有。他对着在家里起居室里的美国人讲话；他对着投票给麦凯恩的人讲话；他对着全世界关注他的人讲话，从各国政要到穷国中最穷的人。他知道他的观众是谁。 “对于那些身居海外，正在看着这里的美国人，还有在国会、白宫和在世界的某个角落围坐在收音机前的人们——我们可能有不同的经历，但是我们有相同的目标，美国的崭新黎明正浮现在我们的面前。 2、在故事中，涵盖观点美国长期以来争取民权运动的漫长历史，使奥巴马的参选成为可能。奥巴马用安妮?迪克森?库珀的故事表达了这个观点。库珀是一位106岁高龄的女性，她的父母是奴隶；她经历了民权运动的几个重要里程碑。 “她生于黑暗的奴隶时代，那个时候路上没有汽车，天上也没有飞机。当时的她不能投票，只有两个原因——她的性别和她的肤色。” 这样感染力强多了，效果比干巴巴的历史课棒多了。

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8、我相信人应该早睡早起，利用早晨的时间多做一些有意义的事情，比如睡个回笼觉。 9、我拿到的只是d-。我看报道，如今的小孩都不会看手表了。他们只能看懂电子表。我心想，等他们长大以后该如何报告辣妹的位置啊别人说，“辣妹在三点钟方向”。我不能待那么久的。 10、然后他问我：“爸爸，为什么我要学两个语言呢”我就跟他说：“儿子，一旦有一天你成了美国总统，你就必须要用英文来签署法案，还要用中文跟讨债的对话。”（中国当前是美国的最大债主。） 11、2008年，我正式成为了美国公民，为此我感到很高兴。谢谢。美国是最牛的。这是真的，因为我们每年会赢世界职业棒球大赛（只有美国、加拿大的球队参加。） 12、我相信健康的心态是快乐的基础，所以我从不体检。 13、坦率的说，我真的非常荣幸今天能应邀来到这里。为了今晚的节目我也准备了好几个月了。我还把关于美国总统的笑话给白宫看，于是美国总统就决定不出席今天的晚会了。他还决定要讨论移民政策改革了。stephencolbert,给他记上。（steve是专攻政治人物的政治评论家、主持人，总统总是拿他没办法） 14、嗨，大家好啊！嗨！那个……我能表演的时间不多，因为我绿卡马上要过期了。我是在中国的穷乡僻壤长大的。

奥巴马：演绎美国梦的白宫新主人

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黄西脱口秀台词

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他们只能看懂电子表。我心想，等他们长大以后该如何报告辣妹的位置啊？别人说，“辣妹在三点钟方向”。我不能待那么久的。 10、然后他问我：“爸爸，为什么我要学两个语言呢？”我就跟他说：“儿子，一旦有一天你成了美国总统，你就必须要用英文来签署法案，还要用中文跟讨债的对话。”（中国当前是美国的最大债主。） 11、2008年，我正式成为了美国公民，为此我感到很高兴。谢谢。美国是最牛的。这是真的，因为我们每年会赢世界职业棒球大赛（只有美国、加拿大的球队参加。） 12、我相信健康的心态是快乐的基础，所以我从不体检。 13、坦率的说，我真的非常荣幸今天能应邀来到这里。为了今晚的节目我也准备了好几个月了。我还把关于奥巴马总统的笑话给白宫看，于是奥巴马总统就决定不出席今天的晚会了。他还决定要讨论移民政策改革了。StephenColbert,给他记上。（Steve是专攻政治人物的政治评论家、主持人，总统总是拿他没办法） 14、嗨，大家好啊！嗨！那个……我能表演的时间不多，因为我绿卡马上要过期了。我是在中国的穷乡僻壤长大的。我们初中某年突然决定要修整土路，铺上砖头和水泥，让学生们带砖头到学校来……我们玩命地干了三个礼拜终于把路修好了。多年以后我听说了这个词：童工。我立马就惊讶了，啥？！那些小孩干活还有钱拿？ 15、奥巴马总统经常被指责为过于软弱。但是他正指挥着两场战争，并且他们还是授予他诺贝尔和平奖。而他也竟然接受了。怎么

奥巴马演讲

贝拉克·侯赛因·奥巴马（Barack Hussein Obama）， 11月4日正式当选为美国总统。 Hi,everybody. This week,after five years of effort with eleven other nations,we reached agreement on a new trade deal that promotes American values and protects American workers. 大家好！本周，经过与其他11个国家五年的艰苦努力，我们达成了一项新的贸易协议，这一协议体现了美国的价值观，对美国的工人提供了保护。 There's a reason this Trans-Pacific Partnership took five years to negotiate.I wanted to get the best possible deal for American workers.And that is what we've done.Here's why it matters. 《跨太平洋伙伴关系协议》（TPP）的出台历经五年的谈判是有原因的。我希望为美国的工人尽可能争取最好的协议。我们做到了。这一协议之所以重要，原因如下。

Ninety-five percent of the world's consumers live outside our borders-95 percent.They want to buy American products.They want our cars; our music; our food.And if American businesses can sell more of their products in those markets,they can expand and support good jobs here at home. 全世界95%的消费者生活在国外，95%。他们喜欢美国的产品。他们喜欢我们的汽车，我们的音乐，我们的食品。如果美国的企业可以将产品更多的卖到这些地方，他们就可以在国内提供更多的就业岗位。 10月14 Hi,everybody.This week,after five years of effort with eleven other nations,we reached agreement on a new trade deal that promotes American values and protects American workers.大家好！本周，经过与其他11个国家五年的艰苦努力，我们达成了一项新的贸易协议，这一协议体现了美国的价值观，对美国的工人提供了保护。 There's a reason this Trans-Pacific Partnership took five years to negotiate.I wanted to get the best possible deal for American workers.And that is what we've done.Here's why it matters. （TPP）的出台历经五年的谈判是有原因的。我希望为美国的工人尽可能争取最好的协议。《跨太平洋伙伴关系协议》我们做到了。这一协议之所以重要，原因如下。 Ninety-five percent of the world's consumers live outside our borders-95 percent.They want to buy American products.They want our cars; our music; our food.And if American businesses can sell more of their products in those markets,they can expand and support good jobs here at home. 全世界95%的消费者生活在国外，95%。他们喜欢美国的产品。他们喜欢我们的汽车，我们的音乐，我们的食品。如果美国的企业可以将产品更多的卖到这些地方，他们就可以在国内提供更多的就业岗位。 So it's no wonder that exports played a huge role in helping America recover from the Great Recession.In fact,last year,we set a new record for American exports for the fifth year in a row,selling more than $2 trillion in goods and services.Our exports support roughly 12 million American jobs-and they're jobs that typically pay better than other jobs. 因此，毫无疑问，出口在帮助美国从大萧条中恢复扮演了极为重要的角色。实际上，去年，美国的出口出口创下15年来的最新记录，我们共输出了价值2万亿美元的产品和服务。我们的出口支撑了国内大约1200万个就业岗位，这些工作岗位普遍比一般工作待遇好的多。 But here's the thing: Outdated trade rules put our workers at a disadvantage.And TPP will change that. 但要记住，过时的贸易规则让我们的工人们失去了优势。而TPP将改变这一状况。 Right now,other countries can cut their costs by setting lower standards to pay lower wages.This trade agreement,TPP,will change that,holding partner countries to higher standards and raising wages across a region that makes up nearly 40 percent of the global economy. 当下，其他国家可以通过设定更低的工资标准来降低他们的生产成本。而这份贸易协议，TPP将改变这一现状，让各伙伴国家提高工资标准，提高占全球经济总量40%的区域内的工资水平。 Right now,other countries charge foreign taxes on goods that are made in America.Japan,for